Since coming back from Dar (which I cannot believe was a month ago) I’ve been keeping busy with GrassRoot. We’re coming to the end of our first implementation and we plan to do a graduation next month, after which we would like to start an adult team (we’ll see if that actually happens). There are a million other project ideas I have floating around in my head, now it’s just a matter of finding people that are also interested in those things so I can get a little help!
Recently I read a blog by another volunteer from my class and I couldn’t have related to it more. He said it much better then I will but essentially at the end of the day this experience is something no amount of words will do justice to, something only people doing it will be able to even slightly grasp, even then each volunteer’s experience is so individual as you do spend a majority of your service alone (with the exception of people who volunteer as a couple). Each day there are a new set of emotions that accompany you and trying to put those into words seems impossible. Most days I feel like a baby who has yet to master control of their motor skills. One moment the child is contently gnawing on one of those huge pinwheel suckers, next thing you know the child becomes so excited the sucker begins flailing about, then without warning the sucker collides with the child’s head and an ocean of tears occurs before someone is there to distract them from what caused all the fuss in the first place.
Mostly when things here are slow I think about home; some about how I miss it but mostly about what I imagine it being like when I come back and a lot about what the next step is for me when I do finally return. I won’t bore you with all the internal struggles and conflicting choices, but instead as a question, why do we do this, why do we worry so much about the things that have yet to come? A quote that I believe is fairly old but very truthful has been drawing much of my attention lately and it goes, “today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” If you know me you know that I’m a planner, I like to know everything before it happens, have it mapped out, ready to go. Obviously I can make a plan and a million back ups until I’m blue in the face but almost 9 time out of 10 something unexpected will occur that I’m completely unprepared for and it will change everything and you know what? It usually ends up working out regardless. So why? Why do I (and I’m sure so many others) spend so much time worrying about so many things that are out of my control instead of focusing on being content with what’s in front of me that day, that month, that year…that lifetime (you know depending on how far out you plan…haha).
But then to completely contradict everything I just said (you know because I love to do that to myself so much) is it naive and irresponsible to live day by day and never have at least some sort of plan for the future? Where’s the line people, where is it?! I guess I have the next year and a half (or my whole life) to figure it out…